Can I be real? Is that okay? Because lately, that's what I'm scared to do, but maybe you can understand my vulnerabilities. Maybe you'll get where I'm coming from. Here's the thing. This season of life that I've been in for the last few months has been difficult, and I've often been left wondering and questioning when it will end. When I feel like I take 10 steps forward, I often end up taking 1,000 steps back. I’m learning though. God is growing me. But I often ask myself questions:
When someone breaks your trust, how do you trust again?
When someone hurts you, how do you forgive them?
How do you move on?
I know we serve a faithful Lord who knows our situations before we even knew them. He allows them to happen. Through these seasons of loss, he refines you and he grows you. He draws you close him. But can I be honest? Sometimes I fail at trusting and I fail and leaning into him. I fail a lot, but I know he's patient with us. That's the one truth I know. He's patient and he meets us where we're at. But I'm at a crossroads of wanting what was lost and moving forward without it. How do you move forward? How do you go on? As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t have all the answers and every loss is more predictable than the last. Every loss helps me realize more and more how humans are humans and we are all sinners. Every loss makes me want to come running back to our Savior, the one who I know with confidence I will never lose.
I’ve been on the other side of not leaning into Him. The harder I work to hold onto something I’ve so clearly lost, I would watch myself slip into disappointment.
The harder I fought, the more difficult the situation become. The more hurt I was. Resentment was real. Bitterness was a part of me. I was too focused on me and what I had lost rather than what God’s purpose for the loss could be, and what he could teach me through it.
Those moments still come. I’ve experienced them a lot this year. I’m a master at focusing on everything that went wrong rather than who God is. The ‘me’ focus is a little too real in my life. But I’ve learned a lot since the first loss and the second, and so on… and in those moments, I’ve come to realize just how much closer I have become with our Savior.
There's nothing quite like a season where you don't know what do or how to process what has happened to you. You live daily and you try to live in the moment. You don't ask questions and you don't look in the direction where you know you might see something that will remind you of that very thing you lost. Each road shows a different route and you are constantly questioning which route to take, and in those moments, what I’ve learned is that you have to trust in the Lord a little more. Be a little braver and more courageous. Lean more into Jesus.
I'm learning what it looks like to be in a position of holding on and letting go. Sometimes, the Lord tells you that it's time to let go and maybe now, I need to learn what it looks like to let it slip away and not grab ahold of it again. There is freedom in surrender, even when it's painful to watch it walk away.
I'm not fully there yet. Loss is a part of life, but after every loss, it’s still a learning process of figuring out how to lean into Jesus and process what has happened. But everyday gets a little easier and the burden becomes a little lighter. The road to recovery is slowly but surely coming along and the Lord has walked with me through it all, and He'll continue to. At the end of the day, God is in the one in charge, Not me. Not you. We all want things to go the way we planned. We don’t want to lose things that are important to us. We don’t want to experience hurt for the 500th time. But sometimes those things are inevitable. God’s way of settling the issues in our lives may be very different, more profitable and better than we ever considered. When we give control to God and when we surrender, we are free from the burden of whatever situation we are dealing with. God works all things together and he does it for our good.
" And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28